Completing this Novel - Mikal's story... and mine.

Have you ever been afraid of your own voice?

You all know I've had these stories in my head for years upon years.

You've also very likely seen how long it has taken me to get books completed and available for purchase.

In part, money has been a key factor in why things have taken me so long. Overworking to barely make it? That leaves a person exhausted. And if the person is creative, it also tends to leave them depressed, for not pursuing their passion as they'd like to - which, in turn, leads to further stagnation, depression, anxiety, and a slew of other not-very-pleasant internal issues.

If it was just money alone, I can honestly say that wouldn't stop me. I've still somehow managed to publish 4 books - using time I had very little of to do my own artwork for two of those (and again if you count the re-release of Miki's Dream with upgraded art). I also hired Alba - somehow - with money that definitely was not easy to come by, for both illustrations and the Spanish Translation of Lissa's Choice - La Eleccion de Lissa. If you want something bad enough, you will find a way to make it happen. You'll focus, save up, and get it done.

As I reflect on my life, what has held me back more than anything has been... fear.

I've lived around a lot of people who don't like or adamantly speak out against Fantasy as a whole. And, no secret, I've always been a "follower of Christ" - I love how Jesus loved. He was never a being full of hatred and condemnation, he was someone who brought women into the circles of teaching when it was illegal to let a woman learn. He stood up for the poor, defended those who'd made mistakes, and gave honor and ear to children.

I like that. He's a really cool guy. I wish more people were like him.

So, one might be able to imagine a lot of the inner turmoil I dealt with when I realized I could NOT stop writing about lands of mystical powers and various realms, religions, cultures, foods, languages... And so many different types of people from all sorts of backgrounds. I was afraid that my creativity "went against" the religion I ascribed to, and I tried to do other things.

I also had a constant dialogue in my head, telling me that no matter where I was or what I did, I was always "too much" or "not enough" and never "just right." I never fit anywhere. In acting, I definitely fit more than any other place, so I pursued that for a time. Then I discovered directing, and LOVED that even more! Having the entire vision in my head, getting it executed and keeping tabs on every little piece and every single cut or angle... I loved that. I thrived with that. But still, there was just something... more.

Finally, my journey led me back to the writing field.

During covid, I wrote What Side Are You? in one sitting, and had no idea what the little girl would say to the two sides of her family until I got to that point. Suddenly, she herself said it, and all my pen did was write. And I listened. I loved what she had to say, and was delighted and amazed by how the story closed. It's a large metaphor, not meant to be taken fully literal - so I did get a review that completely did not like the story. But I also read it to my godchild, who - upon its closing - showed tears. It struck something in them. The same thing it struck in me. And I was like...

... I really was made to write stories.

So I returned to writing more about the worlds I never stop seeing in my head. I pushed through depression - with a LOT of God help lol - and completed the first novel for Mikal's story! It was like pulling teeth for that first stretch. I was so scared at every turn. Each chapter was a battle to believe in my story. But then the characters would do something, time and time again, that just wowed me. And... I couldn't stop.

I became stronger as a writer through the process. But I also became more clear and focused as a person. When the novel was completed, and I stared at my screen at 4:30 in the morning and truly let it sink in that it was actually finished... suddenly... I was proud of myself. For the first time in my life.

And now there is nothing I want to do more in this season of my life than just go through all that struggle again just to produce another incredible piece.

When I tell you this novel - the first book of the History of Mikal series - completely stunned me, I mean it. I was amazed. And the book is beautiful. And full of depth. And I just...

I want to do it again.

And again. And again! And again!!

I want to do this forever!

... I finally, fully, love everything about who I am. With no apology.

I'm SO happy!

Never lose your wonder. - D.